Bespoke Hyperbole

My daughter, Suzie, likes to inform everyone that her family room is bespoke with dichroic fused glass and an accent color of bittersweet maroon.  It’s an unusual room for active twins. A large white clamshell swirled with iridescent red floats on the glass wing of the coffee table.  Fluorescent neon tubing spells ‘Avant Garde’on white walls.  I guess she finds these ideas in the glossy fashion magazines piled on her white shag carpet.

I don’t know why she even uses the word ‘bespoke’. It’s archaic and pompous.  It’s not like she’s a tailor in the 17th century, when customers used the Germanic compound of besprechen to order their fabric choice for suits.

According to The World Book Dictionary (part of the World Book Encyclopedia) bespoke is the past tense and past particle of bespeak and can be used as a verb, adjective and a noun.  The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language agrees but excludes its use as a noun.

One of my literary friends commented on Suzie’s use of bespoke.  “It’s one of those words you don’t hear very often.  Does she have the correct conjugation of that word?”

Although I find her family room and the word pretentious,  she’s probably grammatically correct.  If ‘bespoke suit’ is correct  so would  ‘the suit is bespoke’.

There’s humor in the hyperbole of bespoke.  Nick Foulkes argued in Newsweek that bespoke is overused as marketing shorthand just to charge more. But don’t you love the anachronisms of bespoke computer software, bespoke ceramic hair dryers and bespoke optical labs?

photo courtesy of freedigital photos

Bullied Teachers

Two community school districts are passing legislation this month to prevent teachers being bullied by other teachers.

It’s bad enough that students believe that it is their right to bully teachers with upsetting emails, unwelcome text messages,   silent phone calls, malicious use of websites, and inappropriate use of chat rooms. More students are using social networking sites to bully and undermine teachers, with malicious sexual allegations.

In a chat room, one student wrote:

Teachers don’t get physically bullied, but verbally OH YES. You should hear some of the stuff we make fun of teachers for, it’s pretty brutal but funny too. We only make fun of the teachers who have things to make fun of though…some of them bring it on themselves. If you can’t teach, people are going to make fun of your teaching ability. Obviously, this is all behind their backs; we never make fun of them to their face. All teachers, male and female, get verbally bullied by male and female students. It’s just the way it works! (grammar and punctuation added)

Many teachers have endured cyber-bullying from administrators, certificated and classified staff who have learned tactics from the students’ misbehaviour.

Corliss Olson, associate professor at the UW-Extension’s School for Workers, said the bill is needed because bullying targets and harms “normal, competent people”

Matt Spencer, EdD, veteran school administrator and HR professional, explains how bullying teachers hurts students.

“The workplace bully in America’s schools is a taker…a robber…a thief. The bully steals the dignity, self-esteem, confidence, joy, happiness, and quality of life of the targeted victim. But when the target is a teacher, a great injustice occurs because the bully robs the students of what they want, need, and deserve…. A great tragedy occurs everyday in America’s schools as thousands of children are robbed by the workplace bully of the RIGHT to be nurtured and taught by such honorable, caring, outstanding educators.”

photo courtesy of:

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Fat Prejuidice

Is it okay to be prejudiced against people because they’re fat?

Apparently it is.

In fact, overweight people are the majority in United States. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention states that 67% of adults are overweight or obese.  About half of that number would be people classified as obese.

Nevertheless, fat people are discriminated in dating, hiring practices and health care.

Writing in the New York Times, Harriet Brown details how fat people have become scapegoats.

• A Cleveland surgeon would love not to hire anyone who is fat.
• Author, Dr. Linda Bacon, challenges the fat myths in:  “Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight”
• People lose jobs and promotions says Bill Fabrey, founder National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance.
• Medical professionals are blatant in fat discrimination (Dr. Rebecca Puhl, Director of Research and Weight Stigma Initiatives at the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at Yale University)

Is this anyway to help 2/3’s of the population?

Image: Michelle Meiklejohn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Dinner at the Haiku

water goblet’s frost

fresh lemon, sliced, tangy

secret diet food

brown cocoa drop slides

outside white porcelain cup

hungry finger seeks

tear glistens, men’s food

chicken breasts, grilled, marked

gristle good enough

her jigsaw dinner

old brown soggy scraps, plated

mother’s daily meal

mandoline music

fingers pluck barbed steel blades

slicing cucumbers

picture courtesy of Carlos Porto’s portfolio

Tap your Way to Weight Loss

Wouldn’t it be great if someone could wave a magic wand and get rid of  food cravings?

Surprisingly, there are techniques to do just that. And it works.

Tapping, also known as EFT, is a simple technique of tapping on points of the body based on Chinese acupuncture meridians while thinking about a problem.  This releases negative energy and the problem is solved. The technique is quick and easy to learn.

Paul McKenna is the author of “I can Make you Thin” and is a famous hypnotist from England. His techniques include tapping and Neuro Linguistic Programming. His website has a simple explanation of the tapping technique. There are videos of the technique but you have to a member to see them. Tapping results in reprogramming neural networks in the brain.

Tapping is also called Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), an emotional, needle free version of acupuncture based on the connection between the body’s subtle energies, emotions, and health.

For more information about using EFT see their website and read the many articles on weight loss.

The EFT community is very generous in providing free information, including this free interactive video.

Diet Quotations

In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and cahins.  Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale.  ~Stephen Phillips

I’ve been on a diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet! ~ Erma Bombeck

We never repent having eaten too little. ~ Thomas Jefferson

Food is like sex:  when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.  ~Beth McCollister

I have a great diet.  You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.  ~Ed Bluestone

I’m not overweight.  I’m just nine inches too short.  ~Shelley Winters

My advice if you insist on slimming:  Eat as much as you like – just don’t swallow it.  ~Harry Secombe

It would be far easier to lose weight permanently if replacement parts weren’t so handy in the refrigerator.  ~Hugh Allen

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.  ~Tom Wilson

Fat is not a moral problem.  It’s an oral problem.  ~Jane Thomas Noland

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say “when.”  ~P.G. Wodehouse

Hope is a very thin diet. ~ Thomas Shadwell

Charlton Hunger

Charlton Hunger was waiting for me when I got home yesterday..

He looked me up and down, whistled and said in his deep voice, “We’ve had this date a long time coming.”

I turned away but he knew I was raw cookie dough in his hands. He smoothed back his perfectly coiffed hair, straightened the lapels of his tuxedo and laughed.  Looking at me tenderly, he said, “It’s not like I’m holding a rifle to your head and forcing you to eat.”

I thrust a chair between us. He straddled the chair and pulled me closer. Slowly, he rose and whispered in my ear. As his tender lips grazed mine, I inhaled the delicious smells of my favourite forbidden foods.

I shoved him away. “Please stop. These foods are not for me.”

When his strong arms clutched me, I trembled against the force of his embrace and was lost in the delicate kiss of those foods. I gasped and said, “You’re not playing fair.”

He cocked his eyebrow and ran one finger across my chin. “I never play fair. My first name says it all but remember by middle name.”

I stammered, “Cheet.”

He leaned forward, caressed my lower lip and I opened my mouth, shamelessly, like a wonton dumpling. My breath quickened and my tongue grazed something in my mouth, warm, sweet and tempting.

“More,” I said, “please, don’t stop. That little taste was a tease.”

Charlton Hunger walked behind me and I leaned against his body. His sweet nuzzling made my lips pout for more. “Yes,” he said, “let me support you. I can help you.”

I tore away from him. “No,” I screamed, “you’ll hurt me. I feel disgusted with myself afterwards.”

His strong hands massaged my tired shoulders. “Shh, it’s me. We’ve been together a long time. We first met when your father forbade you candy.”

“And you said it was okay. I liked being with you.”

He nodded with a satisfied grin.

“But I’m not a child any more. Look what being with you has done to me.”

“Now Vicki, don’t be so hard on yourself. You know you enjoy it.”

I blushed. He pressed his advantage. “Your brilliance created me. I’m your rebel lover.”

“No,” I said, “I’m not a rebel.”

“Vicki, your eating is your rebellion.”

I hung my head. Gently, he pulled my chin up and said, “I care about you. I want to help you.”

My voice said, “I can’t. I’ve worked so hard.” but my mouth sought his, wanting more. My Lips, my tongue, and my throat urged for more. I inhaled, surprised by the tantalizing aroma. I asked, “Charlton, are you wearing chocolate aftershave?”

“The better to tempt you my dear.”

His words were like a splash of cold water. “Charlton, what we had was wonderful but I moved on. I need healthy food.”

He smirked. “Forgive me, I have been foolish. Would you like an apple?”

“You’re tempting me with an apple?”

“Vicki, don’t be paranoid. Think, easy as apple pie, Johnny Appleseed, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

“I feel like the pig being stuffed with the apple before roasting.”

“Vicki, keep your metaphors straight. The cyber bully needs you as a sacrificial lamb. You’re the apple of my eye.”

Charlton Hunger was so strong. I needed his strength. I asked, “Do you love me?”

His laugh was gritty. “No one says I love you in a fairy tale. They feed each other. Take my gift.”

I opened my mouth and bit, into a candy apple. Once again, Charlton Hunger ambushed me. I glared at him. “You tricked me.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “What did you expect?”

“But you knew I was tired, lonely and hungry.”

He wriggled his hips. “Vicki, you know I only come when you call me.”

“So it’s my fault.”

He sighed. “Don’t be hard on yourself.”

I spun around, looked at him directly and said, “I don’t want you around.”

He looked insulted but asked, “What do you want?”

“I don’t want to be hungry. I want to get beyond the fat door.”

He jerked his thumb in my direction. “Is that what you really want?”

I nodded.

In a puff of smoke his last words were, “Then I can’t help you.”

Diet, Sex and Fitness

reach for your mate instead of your plate

Least dieting get boring, Sue McGarvie has written a new book, “Lean and Lusty: the Libido Diet.” Ms. McGarvie is a registered sex therapist and host of Canada’s ‘Sunday Night Sex with Sue.’

She wrote her book because she believes that low libido affects 53% of women who are either under or overweight, have been on the birth control pill, and have food, skin or digestive sensitivities or environmental allergies, and would much rather clean the bathroom than have sex with loving partners.

Ms. McGarvie never explains her program for addressing low libido but she assures us that changing her hormones worked for her and her clients and she dropped 175 pounds delighting her partner.

The book is marketed as a benefit for dropping extra pounds.

I’m still unclear exactly what Ms. McGarvie is proposing.

But I’m sure that Ms. McGarview, who declared personal bankruptcy after the sudden closure of her Love and Romance shops in 2005 and whose pictures show a transition to a skinnier lady, will find gold.

Some of her other books are:

The G Spot orgasm and other adventures in mind blowing orgasms.

Premature Ejaculation.

Improving Penis Size

Ms. McGarvie’s book, “Lean and Lusty: the Libido Diet” is not available on Amazon or Barnes and Noble.

Nor is the idea of sex and fitness new.

Other books to investigate are:

• The Ultimate Sex Diet: The Super Sex Diet That Works by Kerry McCloskey
• The Orgasmic Diet: A Revolutionary Plan to Lift Your Libido and Bring You to Orgasm by Marrena Lindberg
• The Great American Sex Diet: Where the Only Thing You Nibble On… Is Your Partner! by Laura Corn
• The Sex Diet: for Women! by Hope Carson
• The Better Sex Diet by Lynn Fischer

Summary: Scales and Other Lies

Scales and Other Lies

In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. Stephen Phillips

Summary:

Vick Gaiya, kind and loving to everyone, cultivates the art of being invisible. Her family and students are happy; she tells herself everyday.

Her life changes dramatically after a student posts a video online of her head on a dancing pig.  When she becomes the target of student cyber bullying, the tension exacerbates her pre-diabetic condition. She needs to lose weight for health reasons but she faces diet sabotage from the family she loves.

The cyber bullying and the diet start Vicki on a collision course with her family, her job and herself.

Outline:

Vicki Gaiya uses her fat as armour against self-revelation. Focussed totally on others, she rarely looks after her own needs. Her currency of life is having people like her and her greatest fear is losing their goodwill.

Her principal, Ron Tuff calls Vicki into his office because there is an internet video of her head on a dancing pig and he is worried this will embarrass the school.  The principal of the small town high school in the Finger Lakes where Vicki teaches likes to say “we are getting to the bottom of this” but he rarely makes the effort.

At home, Joe, her husband of 27 years and IT security analyst for a large doughnut manufacturing company, tries to comfort her. He feels personally attacked when Vicki is cyber bullied, but he really feels threatened when she loses weight. Vicki’s daughters, Miranda, a naïve perfectionist, who unwittingly helps Vicki’s cyber bully and Suzie, a wannabe plus model, who is obsessed with the appearance of herself, her house and her four year old twins, try to comfort Vicki. But Vicki is too busy soothing everyone else to let them.

Lunette del Gratto, the teacher across the hall, tries to help Vicki when she is late to her first period class. Large, both in size and enthusiasm for living, Lunette describes herself as ‘in your face, fat’.  At first, Vicki is horrified by Lunette but Lunette proves to be a valuable friend.

Vicki meets her skinny cousin, Cyndi Znace , who undermines Vicki, yet demands constant sympathy because she was orphaned at a young age. Vicki questions Eleanor Roosevelt’s statement that no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent since Cyndi makes her feel inferior all the time, and she has never given her permission.

Vicki has a car accident on the way home and blacks out on the living room floor. Joe begs her to go to the doctor.  With a family history of diabetes and symptoms of fatigue, thirst and bruising, she is not surprised when Dr. Silverglass diagnoses her as pre-diabetic. Dr. Silverglass’ counselling and her weekly support group help Vicki choose a diet and stick to it.

Although open and gregarious to her family and friends, Vicki’s life is full of secrets; many from herself.  She lies when she says, ‘No, I would really prefer that you have the last piece of cake, the better seat, the new clothing’ but cannot stop.

When Vicki and Joe met, they were thrilled to find each other. Vicki, amazed that Joe finds her attractive, is too busy carrying about others to know herself.  Joe, the cyber geek loner, finally feels connected to people because of Vicki’s warmth.

Vicki and Joe celebrate their wedding anniversary in style with a fancy dinner in a beautiful restaurant. Joe is uncertain about Vicki losing weight and pushes food at her. Cyndi, who failed to entice Joe when he first visited their town, sends Vicki a nasty e-mail suggesting Joe is having an affair.

Vicki doesn’t really want to make the effort to lose the weight and tries a spell from the internet. After a horrific day of cyber bullying from students with cell phones, Vicki returns home and has a huge fight with Joe.  Journaling helps her decide to follow the doctor’s diet and deal with the parents.

The family annual Harvest Party is held at the home of Vicki’s mother, Ivy, who is housebound with arthritis complicated by morbid obesity. Ivy has covered every surface with baked cookies and cakes, her love offering to her daughter.  In a confrontation in the bathroom, Ivy dares Vicki to make the effort to be as pretty as Cyndi.

Vicki is challenged to think beyond the fat door at the meeting of Dr. Silverglass. She imagines a new life in sexy shoes, dancing Salsa and cooking gourmet diet food. Out for coffee with new friends, Cyndi greets her by saying, “Miriam Silverglass’ fat lady club, I presume?” and demands that Vicki let Cyndi organize her diet.

Vicki makes a strong commitment to doing low-carb right. She cleans the house of the foods she should not eat. When Joe gets advice from Cyndi about Vicki, the couple have a huge fight about food but manage to embrace their differences. At school, teachers distance themselves from Vicki.  Although Lunette is supportive, other teachers attack her diet choices.

Vicki’s salsa class with Lunette prompts a huge fight with Suzie who accuses Vicki of not loving her granddaughters; Tiffani and Stephanie. Vicki reaches inside herself and discovers she has fostered Suzie’s dependence on her. Miranda picks stupid fights with Vicki to sabotage her mother’s goal and because she misses the treats and Vicki’s special cooking for her. But she is feeling guilty about being involved with Justin, the boy responsible for initiating the cyber attacks on her mother.  Miranda points out to Vicki that to be fair there should be food for everyone. Why should she have to suffer because of her mother’s diet?

Vicki opens up to her friends in her support group and tells them, “The only game I could played was the dieting game and I always lost. No matter how completely I followed complex and rigid detailed rules there was always the constant struggle against eating too much.  The game was everywhere and the scale ruled my life.  I tried all kinds of physical and psychological rewards and punishments depending on the scale’s morning verdict but the scale ruled.”

Vicki feels as if life could not get any worse.  Conflicts escalate with the family and at school. When Vicki brings her own meal to a family dinner, Ivy cries out, “You are making me feel like a failure.” Cyndi suggests she keep all her old clothes just in case. When Vicki eats cake, all her carb cravings are back in full force.

Ivy calls from the hospital and Vicki fears she has broken her hip. Turns out that Ivy faked the fall because she is lonely. Joe gifts Ivy with an old computer and Miranda helps her learn the internet. Cyndi tries to convince Vicki that it is her duty to take her mother into her home.

Vicki discovers another secret about herself. She has always loved dancing and wanted to be a hot dancing momma but only ended up being a momma to everyone. Dancing feels like flying with her feet on the ground in her own personal party.

Ron Tuff demands Vicki take on the yearbook and when she refuses; he threatens her job. He chides her for the problems she has created with the cyber bullying and possible legal costs for the board.

Feeling overwhelmed, Vicki seeks help from Dr. Silverglass who asks her, “Why are you keeping your life so busy you have no time for yourself? What are you hiding from? What are you willing to sacrifice for a healthy body?”

But Vicki doesn’t have time to think about herself because Suzie calls in tears that her marriage is falling apart and begs Vicki and Joe to look after the twins during the March Break. Suzie phones from their Island vacation, complaining that a terrible storm cut the electricity and there is nothing to do.

Ron and Cyndi continue to attack Vicki but Dr. Silverglass, her salsa class and surprisingly, Lunette support her. Family support is iffy, sometimes degenerating to outright sabotage but Vicki perseveres.

The cyber bullying escalates with Vicki receiving instant messaging on her cell phone. It is now even more personal. Vicki changes her cell phone number and still the messages and text bombing continue.  The carrier won’t let Vicki block a specific number for texting and they even charge her for changing her telephone number again and the huge volume of unwanted messages.

Joe sets out to discover the identity of the cyber bully. He phones up friends who are involved in computer and data forensics and starts learning. One negative comment on a site rating teachers leads to many more about Vicki‘s professional and personal life. Teaching class is very disruptive and Vicki faces more disrespectful behaviour leading to problems disciplining her class. Ron blames Vicki.

Cyndi warns Vicki she is losing the weight too fast and will become ill. Joe gets busy, distant, and angry when Vicki wants to take a summer course at a local university.. Cyndi offers to teach Vicki how to become a ‘Real Women’ who will attract Joe. Brilliant Miranda fails a test and bristles when asked about Justin. Vicki sees herself as a failure. Cyndi snickers at Vicki and tells her that now she has started to lose a little bit of weight she can really make the effort and properly loose.

Joe receives a notebook computer to repair. He checks the hard drive to recover the data and discovers deleted files about Vicki. There are images of his wife with a pig’s body and uploaded dated files to online social networks.  The file’s metadata gives him a clear timeline of Justin’s progression of cyber bullying. Joe runs software to recover deleted emails. There is a large digital footprint of Justin’s cyber bullying on the notebook computer plus numerous emails to Miranda. Joe realizes that Miranda is involved.  Vicki is shocked when Joe tells her. Joe explains that it is not possible to totally erase files from the hard drive. With the right software it is always possible to find traces of the deleted files.

Miranda confesses her relationship with Justin but tries to defend him. Justin defends his right of free speech under the First Amendment and tells Vicki that he is really a hero because he has “helped Vicki” lose weight.

Suzie confesses she knew about Justin and her sister. She tells Vicki that every time she looked in the mirror and she saw her own weight, she was reminded that Vicki was loosing and she felt even fatter and a greater failure.

Miranda pleads with her parents that she had no idea that Justin was the one who hurt her mother.  He just asked her to use her cell phone and that’s how he got the number to text horrible messages to Vicki. She was thrilled Justin wanted to date her.

Joe hands Vicki a box and asks her to open it. Inside is a beautiful pair of red satin high heels with bows at the heel. Tucked in the shoe is a small plastic boat with the words: “I love you.” Joe announces he has finally found a present for her that is not food. They are going on a belated honeymoon cruise to Alaska in the summer with salsa classes and low-carb cuisine. He has been working on repairing computers for extra money.

Suzie laments that nothing is working out for her and she is pregnant. Vicki and Joe exchange glances and say together: “March Break and nothing to do.” Miranda offers to help her sister so her mother can enjoy her summer trip..

They decide to hand over the computer to the police and let their data forensic experts check it for further evidence. Justin’s parents phone Vicki because they are worried that their son is applying to university and this will mess up his life.  Vicki asks them: “What about my life this year?”  They answer that they have called Ron Tuff and he will speak to Vicki about their son’s needs.

Vicki confronts Ron Tuff.  She finally has the direct proof that Ron has demanded. Ron belittles Joe’s findings and tells them that it would be silly to bother the police at this point and she will embarrass Joe with this impractical plan. Vicki tells Ron they intend to take the computer to the police and asks Ron how he will look if he has refused to co-operate with the police in this investigation. Vicki remembers a grade school incident involving Justin but the teacher making the accusation of bullying left teaching in disgrace shortly after Ron vouched for Justin.

Cyndi visits Vicki to taunt her about Joe not caring for and her weight loss effort. Joe declares his love for Vicki and suggests Cyndi beg Vicki to help her grow up and become a woman. Cyndi thinks about Vicki’s full life and decides to accept the offer.

Joe and Vicki snuggle on the couch. Joe tells Vicki that he admires the new improved Vicki and it’s not just the physical changes. She is happier, more open and present. Vicki looks at the man she loves and tells him, “I never thought I was good enough. I was the background builder. I could taste the person I wanted to be but I buried it in food. I told myself it was less painful to bury the taste than be disappointed when I would be hurt again.  I have tried to work hard, be invisible and make others happy. It’s not hard to be invisible.  I just ask questions and let others do the talking. I never interrupt. People rarely notice that you’re invisible; they call you a good listener. But now I am listening to me.”

Joe asks her what she would really like to do with her life. Vicki says she would like to open her own low-carb catering company. Joe asks her why not and she answers, “Why not indeed”.

Thanks for Family Relationships

family relationships and family parties are like oil and water

Although Thanksgiving is almost two months away, I’m going to blog about last year’s Harvest Hurrah (a wonderful alliteration coined by my eldest daughter, Suzie).  Maybe if I do it now I’ll have the right mindset for the end of November.

I arrived early at Mum’s to help her with the preparations and carried my diet supper to kitchen. Mum, surrounded by piles of paper plates emblazoned with cornucopia and fall vegetables, handed me the turkey salt and pepper shakers to fill and asked: “Honey, do you think I’ve baked enough?”

Every surface was covered with cookies and cakes. All it needed for the magazine cover was a cutline of ‘Decorate Your Home with Carbohydrates this Holiday’. No doubt, the afternoon’s sampling would aggravate her diabetes. She looked at me pleadingly.

“Now, sugar, please. It’s a holiday. I wouldn’t feel appreciated if you didn’t eat my special foods. Food is my love offering.”

Suzie breezed in carrying a huge pumpkin decoupaged with tissue paper and placed on the table. I was given the pot of pathos to take home.

My cousin Cyndi barged in fashionably late, breathless and accompanied by the rattle of an armload of clanking bracelets. Mum beamed as Cyndi hugged her while Cyndi took the opportunity to check her reflection in the china cabinet mirror and push her jet black hair even more severely away from her face. Finally, she tore her gaze away to look at my preteen daughter, Miranda.

“Miranda, you look just like me. I can’t believe how attractive you have grown.”

They disappeared and when they returned I screamed.  Cyndi was wearing Miranda’s clothing.  And Miranda, Miranda was draped in Cyndi’s tatters.

“You’re not wearing that!” I said as Miranda, my darling baby, wobbled into the dining room on platform shoes designed by a bondage foot fetish. My innocent child was tying the laces on Cyndi’s turquoise bustier. Only this morning, she wore a heavy sweatshirt, three sizes too big, to hide her chest.

“But mom, its real pseudo snakeskin,” said Miranda adjusting the buckles of the scarlet shiny pants to further expose her thighs.

I glared at Cyndi. Mum, who reverses words and letters when she gets upset, grabbed my arm and whispered in a staccato voice,“Shame! Shame! How could you treat your poor cousin like that? Water is thicker than blood. You have no right to cast nasturtiums. How many times do I have to tell you? Children don’t listen to their mothers as they become older.”

My mother lowered her voice. “If you swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in your stomach. Shame! You harvest what you decant.  Maybe, Cyndi looks prettier than you. I have never told you this but you are just as pretty as Cyndi. You just refuse to make the same effort. Vicki, you’re not listening to me. I’m not just talking to hear myself talk.”

I rearranged my face to look like I was listening. Mum continued, “This hurts me more than it hurts you to say this…you’re not perture picfect either. Remember, pretty is as petty does. Don’t be swamped by your own bootstraps.”

I was still trying to decode her syllable swaps when she turned toward me and said, “Te ipsum crede.”

And that stopped me cold. Because my mother, as usual, was absolutely right. I didn’t know myself. I felt a tiny shift in my fat armour. Not a cataclysmic earthquake, just a tiny shift.

I joined the family dinner table and looked closely at my family. Miranda and my husband Joe were methodically eating corn with neat rows of shucked kernels. Without their front teeth, my grandchildren figured out how to spit the corn across the table. Miranda had changed back into her little girl’s clothing and buried her head in another book. Cyndi was cutting her kernels off the cob with a knife and flicking each niblet to the side with a long pointed fingernail.

This was my family and I loved them. When Joe brought out his camera for a family picture I surprised everyone. For the first time, I wanted to be included in the picture.

Family Relationships Blogging Day!

“Today I’m participating in a mass blogging! WOW! Women On Writing has gathered a group of blogging buddies to write about family relationships. Why family relationships? We’re celebrating the release of Therese Walsh’s debut novel today. The Last Will of Moira Leahy, (Random House, October 13, 2009) is about a mysterious journey that helps a woman learn more about herself and her twin, whom she lost when they were teenagers. Visit The Muffin to read what Therese has to say about family relationships and view the list of all my blogging buddies. And make sure you visit Therese’s website to find out more about the author.”